do not be alarmed!
enclosing [too much]
within dashes
protects:
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just joined facebook [at my sister's insistence]
-so public.
today, i have to decided to write the truth:
i am in a depression, and have had suicidal thoughts today.
[there was a moment when i had uninstalled some rope, and i glanced around looking for a beam]
those were just moments. and, as far as suicidal thinking goes for me, that was extremely mild.
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maybe
4 comments:
don't.
shit, y'know...thatsa life, i'm so fucking glad i haven't killed myself yet...at this point i'm hangin' on just 'cause some of my old friends would say,(after my suicide), "i knew he was gonna do it sooner or later"...and just bullet-biting all physical pain & psychic torment in hope that i can continue the learning process of what it is to be human and what a gloriously beautifull thing it is to be breathing humanly on our Earth and maintaining a strange faith that my learnings will be incorporated into a fuller understanding upon reinsertation back into the Corpus...i believe once in the nothingness before somethingness there was a something which was nothing - the original unitary cellular structure, as some say, the entity was 'perfect', it knew all...and of course that's quite boring! So what does one do if one finds oneself inna state of perfection afterwhich the ennui of aeons has bored oneself into a static state of slumber? AWAKE ! suddenly the original cellular structure awoke & was determined to initiate a learning process so it wouldn't fall back to slumber...the best way to initiate a learning process if one is perfect is to create imperfection, which is where we come in - the more imperfect the better, imperfection is to be celebrated! the original cellular structure split itself into myriad pieces of which we all carry with us, call it will,soul,spirit or what-have-you, but i believe it is the basic element that animates us...since splitting itself in the creation of imperfection,the original cellular structure has forgotten about itself, it only consists of a massive collective consciousness of all animated &
un-animated beings & things, unable to connect back into the Originality...however, it is slowly getting closer to the Restoration, just as my computer is in link with your computer, we are evolving to the point of the merge, or better: the Remerge...during the split also emerged a force which is less than the Originality yet greater than human intelligence, this force which i have no name to & only refer to as the Devil has got it pretty good because it has the "upper hand" as far as guiding the grand learning process...the Originality, since it is split & cannot remember itself & can be considered a "dormideus", a sleeping god, allows the Devil to play around just 'cause playing around is fun to do...but this fucks shit up as far as human pain & suffering goes...the Devil knows not what such pain is and as such has no understanding or empathy about it & continues playing its cosmic game of tricksterism...perhaps the Devil doesn't even know about the Originality, it's possible the forgetfulness also encompasses the Devil & its ignorant of your/mine/ours true state...regardless, i don't consider the Devil as evil, just as like a little brat torturing a cat : fascinated by watching physical contortions of a pain it knows nothing about and grows even more curious & prods a poke again and again in private amusement that a selfish creature feel (or is simply ignorant of) - "surely this thing with which i toy cannot be suffering, for i feel no suffering"...this lack of empathy is what will finally awaken the Devil, when it is time, the Empathy will embody into the Devil & the Devil will awake...and at that time the Devil will remember the Originality and aid in the Remerge for it'll know the learning process has run its course...but all the fucked up shit is essential for our learnings and no knees knealt in prayer gonna learn nothing and your abortion is my abortion and we were once we and shall again be we in the infinite vacuum of nothingness obliterated by the somethingness................................................................excuse the response, but seriously is taken suicide as i often too have been on that easy off aspect of eternal release...it's this belief system that gives me strength to endure thru all sufferings & fuck yes i believe it 'cause the tears of joy have streamed down my face in warm puddling saltiness of Earth's magnetic oceans and i'm learning shit goddamnit & i'm gonna continue learning shit until my bloodpump cashes the check at the bank of over-and-done-withness....................................................................bless yourself for you are worthy of being blessed, perhaps even moreso than others who've become numb,blind & deaf to the pain.....bless yourself.
love,
.troy.
typos above due to poor formatting :
(excuse the response)
&
[ bless yourself for you are worthy of being blessed, perhaps even moreso than others who've become numb,blind & deaf to the pain.....bless yourself! ]
love is the law shall be the hole in the wall.
nothing is true,everything is permitted.
he who holds a frying pan owns death.
bobmarley be with you,
.troy.
sweet, troy. thanks, and keep on.
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